Friday, November 30, 2007

How to Pill a Cat

Maw has received numerous variations of these instructions over the years, but none quite so thoroughly entertaining as what she found over on Hoss's b**g. Don't call it a blog, he gets very upset. Candace over at Chapterhouse suggested Maw check out Hoss's new puppy, and as she was perusing his posts, she came across this:

How to Pill a Cat

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force moujth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Crown Royal. Pour shot, drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw bloodied T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume rest of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in air.

Now, you know that Maw would never do this to any of us. Remember, it was just last month that she left Reno at the V-E-T for a week so that they could have the pleasure of pilling him daily for his bladder infection.

Luf, Us


pissed off patricia said...

Oh that is a classic and it made me laugh a lot. In fact I just emailed it to Mr Pop so he can laugh this morning too. Anyone who has ever tried to pill a cat knows most times it's no easy task. Ya gotta be fast and you usually only get one shot at it.

Jan Price said...

Hey, Miss Maw,

We stopped by to tell you about a nice comment Jan received from the guy in Texas who sent her the link to the Beagle photos she posted on Mercy And Percy's blog. He wrote, "We've got some tougher stuff in place now thanks to her (that's you, Miss Maw) and a lot of others." Thanks for all the effort you put into helping animals. We know it was an emotionally painful thing you and all the others did for us.

We sure hope Jan doesn't read today's post and try to pill us. We like it fine that she's too chicken to even try to medicate our feline residents.

Jan's Funny Farm residents

Dragonheart, Merlin, Devi, and Chloe said...

Shakes head. That's very funny. My mom guesses that she must be pretty lucky, since she's never had too much trouble giving a cat a pill.

Shaggy and Scout said...

Yep. We never make it easy around here either.
Yes, our guinea pigs definitely know the sound of the fridge door opening. They know thats where the goodies are and they start :wheep-wheep"-ing right away. The are so adorable.

Icon Baxter Bentley said...

Oh wow, that is FUNNY!

Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

We've heard this before and its so true! I get annoyed because the LL is actually pretty good at pilling/liquiding us our meds. Latte made her get really good at that when he was a kitten. Dang.


Candace said...

Hoss's b**g is like a box of chocolates, ain't it? He's been feelin' puny lately, so anyone who can should stop by and say howdy. :) Besides, he writes one of the funniest blogs in the whole dang blogosphere.

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

i was laffing and laffing! and it is so true too!

smiles, auntie bee

Anonymous said...

Lol...That's great :)

Daisy said...

My Mommie can pill just about any cat at the shelter. But there are always one or two that are just impossible!

Parker said...

That's a classic - and a little true too!

Anonymous said...

Excellent! So far none of us have ever had a pill. Bet when the Lady finally has to do it, with her luck it'll be Grr. hehe

Dr Tweety of da Fab Five said...

Well. Now I can tell da mommma how to givez Auntie Stinkie he rpillz. She iz goin' to need all da help she can get. BTW: Can you all come oevfur & help?

-Dr Tweety

Unknown said...

Ha, ha, ha......oh that is very funny!

Unknown said...

Ha, ha, ha......oh that is very funny!

Sunny's Mommy said...

Oh yeah, dogs are a lot easier to give medicine to.

Pet's are 4 Life said...

Vat is a great idea..the clawings of the human to prevents the pills.. We shall has to try that!!

Rosemary B❤️ said...

Mommie says the first time she read this... in the newspaper some years ago, she laughed so hard, it got painful and she nearly peed her pants!!!

Are we really that baaaad?

Happy Snappy week-end

The Meezers or Billy said...

mommy says that when she hadded Ralphie, she would gif him a pill and hold his mouth shut for 10 minutes, and as soon as she let his mouth go, he would spit the pill in her face. she said that Ralphie could hurl a pill at warp speed out of his mouf and across the room. I strive to be like him. - Miles

Lux said...

That's funny!

Every time the vet says, "Give your cat this pill ..." Mom says, "Can you ... ?"

Chancy, Jake, Babe and Ernies Voice said...

Oh how true!!! I loved reading this. "How to Pill a Cat" I watched my Mom try to pill Ernie, many times...he was a corker. My Mom is still laughing...out loud!

Memories of Eric and Flynn said...

Haha that wuz funny, but mum sez she's not laffing cuz Eric's just like that.She yooshully stabs us instead of giving us pills cuz she sez it's safer furr her. I'm a bit better than Eric though, but I don't like pills or gitting stabbed.